Pregnant Impostor

The weeks have really flown by. I cannot believe I'm 14 weeks pregnant already. I've seen the baby twice. I've heard the heartbeat on a doppler. My clothes fit funny. I have hard spots on my stomach and abdomen that used to be squishy. Not to mention all of the pregnancy symptoms I've experienced. And still, I feel like an impostor. I feel like I must have just made the whole thing up.

I guess part of it is because I wanted so badly to get pregnant for so long. Then the IF diagnosis. Then medication and actually trying. And then it happened. And it happened sooner than I had imagined it could. And while that's amazing and wonderful, part of me feels like it just can't be real as a result. Good things like that just don't happen. And so I assumed that I would miscarry. Yet here I am, 14 weeks, doctor telling me my miscarriage risk is only 1%. So now I assume that something even worse will happen. Because it is beyond my comprehension that I would get to take this child home. I mean, we only tried for 5 months! Surely we got off too easy. I cannot be that lucky. It just doesn't make sense.

So my disbelief at actually being pregnant and already being 14 weeks causes me to feel like an impostor. My stomach is definitely growing, but that couldn't actually be a bump! It's too early. My uterus isn't supposed to be that high, so it must just be a coincidence. So what if I've actually lost weight? Who do I think I am wearing maternity clothes? Talking about taking next semester off? Not happening.

And so while the time has flown by already, here I am wishing time away again. I want to know the sex. I want to have an obvious bump. I want to feel the baby moving around. I want to not feel like an impostor. I want to have confidence that this baby is for keeps. That this baby is ours for good. That this isn't all in my head. That good things can happen.