15 Weeks

How far along? 15 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Down 10 lbs since BFP. My weight is fluctuating a lot more, going between -12 and - 8.
Maternity clothes? Exclusively maternity pants and mostly normal shirts, though my one maternity shirt looks much better.
Stretch marks? Nothing new.
Sleep: Sleep has been much more difficult this past week. Several nights, I couldn't get to sleep. Then I was waking up too early. Now it seems to be a bit better.
Best moment this week: I don't really know. Maybe congratulations and offers from other people? (More on that later) It was a pretty uneventful week from what I can recall. Oh, seeing a baby kick from the outside was pretty neat (my friend is 30 weeks).
Movement: None, but I'm anxiously awaiting it.
Food cravings: Still fruit. Also occasionally ice cream, but we don't have any in the house.
Gender: I'm still torn between my conscious and my unconscious. I use masculine pronouns, but I dream of a baby girl. When I think about telling other people, it's always a girl, but I still feel like it's a boy. I can't wait to find out!
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Being able to eat. I still have so many aversions, even with morning sickness basically subsided.
What I am looking forward to: The same things as the past couple of weeks: feeling the baby, having a proper bump, finding out the gender.
Weekly Wisdom: Start making lists of things you need to do. Pregnancy brain is not a myth, and you will start forgetting things!
Milestones: I have to sleep with pillows in order to be comfortable now... how's that for a pathetic milestone? This really was a boring week.

Pregnant Impostor

The weeks have really flown by. I cannot believe I'm 14 weeks pregnant already. I've seen the baby twice. I've heard the heartbeat on a doppler. My clothes fit funny. I have hard spots on my stomach and abdomen that used to be squishy. Not to mention all of the pregnancy symptoms I've experienced. And still, I feel like an impostor. I feel like I must have just made the whole thing up.

I guess part of it is because I wanted so badly to get pregnant for so long. Then the IF diagnosis. Then medication and actually trying. And then it happened. And it happened sooner than I had imagined it could. And while that's amazing and wonderful, part of me feels like it just can't be real as a result. Good things like that just don't happen. And so I assumed that I would miscarry. Yet here I am, 14 weeks, doctor telling me my miscarriage risk is only 1%. So now I assume that something even worse will happen. Because it is beyond my comprehension that I would get to take this child home. I mean, we only tried for 5 months! Surely we got off too easy. I cannot be that lucky. It just doesn't make sense.

So my disbelief at actually being pregnant and already being 14 weeks causes me to feel like an impostor. My stomach is definitely growing, but that couldn't actually be a bump! It's too early. My uterus isn't supposed to be that high, so it must just be a coincidence. So what if I've actually lost weight? Who do I think I am wearing maternity clothes? Talking about taking next semester off? Not happening.

And so while the time has flown by already, here I am wishing time away again. I want to know the sex. I want to have an obvious bump. I want to feel the baby moving around. I want to not feel like an impostor. I want to have confidence that this baby is for keeps. That this baby is ours for good. That this isn't all in my head. That good things can happen.

14 Weeks

How far along? 14 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Down 9 or 10 lbs since BFP. Things seem to be going in the other direction now... not sure how I feel about that.
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants, and I finally broke down and bought a maternity top and a maternity dress (see picture) because my warmer-weather tops are not expanding-belly friendly.
Stretch marks? None, but the old ones on my boobs seem to be getting darker.
Sleep: I'm waking up more, usually because I need to go to the bathroom, but I manage to stay in bed and get back to sleep eventually.
Best moment this week: Feeling hardness from several inches below to just above my belly button. Something is going on in there!!!
Movement: None, but it shouldn't be too many more weeks, hopefully!
Food cravings: Fruit
Gender: I had a very vivid dream about my anatomy u/s at which they said it was a girl. However, I still think of Stretch in masculine terms. Hopefully only 4 more weeks until we know!
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Having energy and doing well in school. It's midterm week, and I get the feeling my GPA is going to plummet this term.
What I am looking forward to: Feeling the baby, having a proper bump, finding out the gender. All the big things.
Weekly Wisdom: Don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether it's from your partner, your boss, your friends, or your parents, communicate your needs.
Milestones: As of this morning, I'm officially off all prescription medication for the first time in over 12 years (I finished weaning of the met.)!!! Also, as of last night, I'm out to all of facebook, so it's been fun to have the congratulations come rolling in from all parts of my past.

13 Weeks

A Note: I fail at updating regularly! Things are just too crazy lately, so my apologies for just doing weekly updates for the time being!

How far along? 13 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Down 11 lbs since BFP. Almost to my wedding weight.
Maternity clothes? I can still button a pair of normal jeans, but they feel tight so I'm sticking to maternity. Now that the weather is getting warmer, I'm finding I don't have many tops to wear.
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: I'm still sleeping pretty well. I'm enjoying it while it lasts!
Best moment this week: Telling the world! OK, not quite, but we did tell extended family, C told his work, and I started telling div. school friends and some groups at work. OH, and we ordered the nursery furniture!!!
Movement: Still can't feel anything. I can't wait, though!
Food cravings: I think I'm craving something sweet, but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is.
Gender: No clue. More uses of masculine pronouns and more dreams about a baby girl. Go figure.
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Wanting to eat and not being exhausted.
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan, of course, but that's about 5 weeks away. I'm looking forward to having everyone know so I don't have to awkwardly find ways to tell people anymore.
Weekly Wisdom: People are always going to assume things. Since I was trying to not make a big deal out of my pregnancy announcement, I'm pretty sure at least half of the people I've told (especially at work) think this was a surprise/accident and consequently, that I'm not as excited as I really am. Oh well!
Milestones: As of Thursday, I'll be in the gestational 2nd tri, which is the date more people go by (13w3d).

12 Weeks

How far along? 12 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: According to the doctor's scale today, down 10 lbs. However, I was down 12 at one point this week.
Maternity clothes? Same as last week, though I managed to squeeze into a normal pair of jeans without the BeBand for a little while one day.
Stretch marks? Nada
Sleep: Sleep is a little more fitful. I'm having a harder time getting to sleep and staying asleep.
Best moment this week: NT scan this morning!!! Though telling my dad's mother and seeing her tear up was pretty memorable as well!
Movement: Nothing I can feel, but Stretch was going nuts during the u/s!
Food cravings: Nana's cheesestraws. She brought up a baggie, and now I'm having to ration them.
Gender: I'm leaning towards boy again, but I don't feel as sure. The u/s tech couldn't even make a guess because Stretch wouldn't stay still long enough for her to look.
Labor Signs: Nope
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Not tearing up over really random and stupid things. It can get embarrassing. I SOBBED when Monica and Chandler got engaged, even though I've seen that episode a dozen times.
What I am looking forward to: "Coming out" at school tomorrow. Also, the evil part of me is looking forward to telling my aunt and knowing she will immediately call my cousin...
Weekly Wisdom: Try to relax. Trust that everything is going to be OK, and if it's not, trust that you'll be given the strength to get through it.
Milestones: I'm in the developmental 2nd tri! The doctor lowered my miscarriage risk to 1% so I'm feeling secure in letting people know the good news!

NT Scan and 12 Week Appointment

Well, after all of my anxiety and waking up at 4 AM due to nerves, everything looked absolutely wonderful! The heart was beating at 171 BPM on the u/s and 174 BPM according to the doppler at the doctor's office. Stretch was kicking its little legs, doing flips, jumping all around, and waving its hands around to the point that the ultrasound tech couldn't get the measurements she needed. Finally, after a lot of poking and prodding with the wand, she got Stretch into the right position, and everything measures normally. However, I definitely have a bruise from the u/s wand. Worth it!

My doctor's appointment was pretty uneventful. Standard exam, pap, etc. She was only able to find the heartbeat faintly and briefly with the doppler, but it was there! I'm so glad I had the u/s first or I would have been worried!!! I did, however, learn that my blood type is O-. That means I'm RH- and will need the special shots to keep my body from building up antibodies. It's not a big deal now that they have the shots, but it was still news to me. I always have to be unique, don't I?

All in all, it was a wonderful morning! Since everything went well, I'm feeling much better about telling people our amazing news so I'll begin telling friends tomorrow. My dad was overjoyed to begin spreading the news around his office... who knew he was such a gossip?

In an effort to keep this shorter than my more recent posts, I'll conclude with one of my favorite pictures from today:

Less than 200 days!!!

W00t! I officially have 199 days until my EDD =)

Not too much going on this past week. The morning sickness subsided slightly again, though it still pops up from time to time. I was able to get into a normal pair of jeans on Wednesday, though by the end of the day they were very uncomfortable.
C has been so cute lately making a point of kissing my belly or resting his head on my abdomen. I think it's actually becoming real to him, which I didn't expect this early. It's absolutely adorable, though!

I'm trying to feel better and confident in this pregnancy, especially as I'm telling more people. I told my boss and the Godly Play coordinator yesterday. Telling my boss went surprisingly well! She actually seemed happy. Weird. My dad and his mother fly in this afternoon, so I'll be telling my paternal grandmother in person today, which should be fun. She already has one great-grandchild and another due in a month, so it's not as big of a deal for her.

I'm very nervous about my NT scan and next appointment on Monday. I did get everything scheduled with the NT scan so C can just come in late to work after both appointments, so that's nice. And if they have a hard time finding the heartbeat with the doppler at my OB, I won't be as anxious if I would've just seen the little one on the ultrasound. I can't wait to see Stretch now! Actually moving around and looking like a baby! But there's also this panic that they'll turn on the machine, and I'll just see a little blob because baby stopped growing a few weeks ago. And then I'll have to untell everyone and start all over again. And that's terrifying. I'm trying to be positive and convince myself that everything is fine and we'll see exactly what we're supposed to see. But I'm still scared.

Assuming everything goes well on Monday (8:00 AM appointment!), I'll come out at the div. school on Tuesday. I think some of my friends may suspect since they know I've been feeling poorly, and I keep reassuring people I'm not contagious. And then sometime next week or the following, I'll tell extended family, including my sure-to-be-angry cousin. And we might also go ahead and start buying nursery furniture. I know it's still early, but I like to have things planned out and settled. My mom bought all of the furniture and set up the nursery during the 1st tri of her first pregnancy. It ended up being a molar pregnancy, and it took her another 5 years to have my oldest brother. However, she said it was comforting to her to have the nursery set up. It was a promise that some day they would have a child. As a result, my parents are giving us 1k to spend on the nursery. What an amazing and generous gift!!! So in part, I want to go ahead and get everything set up because I know it would make my parents even more excited (side note: they're going out and buying a crib for their house... we live 7 hours away, none of my brothers are close to having kids, and yet they've decided they need a crib at their house for visiting grandbabies... gotta love 'em!)

There's a lot of excitement pending, but I have a lot of anxiety until then. Send me good thoughts and prayers on Monday morning!!!